Although I never met him in person, I consider Muktananda as one of my great teachers. One of the most important lessons I learned from him was this: Be the Seer, not the Seen. Over the 20 odd years of working as a psychotherapist, I have noticed that most people struggle with the whole notion of how they are viewed by others.
This is a product of having to learn how to be in relationship with others – how to interact with society in a productive way, and how to have meaningful relationships with loved ones. Of course it is important to be sensitive to how we come across to others and to be sensitive to their needs. Social etiquette is a necessary lubricant that helps everyone put up with each other in the course of day to day living.
However very often the means becomes the end and we become overly focused on what ‘they’ will think, whoever ‘they’ happens to be. This becomes such an engrained way of being in life that many people have lost sight of the fact that this has become their axis mundi or guiding principle. They live life as if they are always under the critical eye of the Other. They constantly feel judged, criticized, lacking, not good enough.
When you ask them who it is out there that is judging them, they are often at a loss. More often than not, they cannot come up with any one person whose opinion of them is of such paramount importance. The next step then is for them to realize that they have internalized this critic, and that this factor plays a huge role in their lives. Unfortunately, this not only affects how they view themselves, it also affects their worldview. The people who are most critical of others, usually have a raging inner critic.
Most people have an inner critic, to a greater or lesser extent, but that is not to minimize its importance or significance. It is a silent, critical voice within, or for some it can simply feel like a very negative attitude towards the Self. It is the part that has hateful things to say about how you look, how you act, how you think, the kind of work you do, the relationships you are in, the stupid mistakes you made in the past etc. In other words, it is never good and it is always poisonous. It can even disguise itself as a friendly voice – but then you need to ask yourself if it ever says anything supportive or kind. Sometimes it will take the shape or sound of the negative parent, the critic, the judge or the tyrant.
As a result, people will build up defenses or smokescreens to hide behind. This will often become a part of their personas (the mask that we show the world). The defenses that have been built up were probably a necessary tool at some point in your life. They are there for a reason. Maybe you had to protect yourself in some very toxic situations. The difficulty is that these defenses become a way of life that prevent you from fully engaging with your life in a creative, dynamic way. If you are constantly living your life so as to accommodate others so they will like you or love you, you will not be asking or addressing the more important questions: i.e., What is your soul purpose? Why are you here and what are you meant to be doing? You will be like Parsifal in the Legend of the Holy Grail, who never asked the right question: Who does the Grail serve?
People who are living their lives in order to please others are caught on a vicious merry-go-round. For one thing, there is no pleasing everyone. And if you are not living an authentic life, you are probably pleasing no one, least of all your deep Self. People who strive to be pleasers get caught in the nets of their own devising. Certain relationships will try to use you and take advantage of your willingness to be a pleaser, but woe betide you if you step outside the box and try to do something for yourself that they do not approve of. Pleasers attract tyrants and dictators who need followers and obedient disciples. They will not be happy if you start to become a more authentic person.
This is a harsh reality for some to wake up to. One of the first and most important steps in this whole journey into consciousness is to let go of being in the place of the Seen. Although this is a gradual process, you can eventually stop fretting about how others may or may not see you. Hold the intention of becoming a Seer – the one who sees. When you stop worrying so much about how others see you, it frees you to actually begin to see them.
Now this can do something extraordinary for you in terms of your relationships with others. Just imagine that you were more interested in actually seeing and understanding others. You would take an interest in them; you would ask questions, you would actually enjoy listening to them and figuring out what makes them tick. Probably most of you realize how rare it is to encounter someone like that. They are like the sunshine on a beautiful day, the honey in the open flower, a roaring hearth on a winter’s day. Others gravitate to that person – they don’t know why. When you can start to move into the place of the Seer, you become the Lover, the Compassionate Friend and Listener.
But make no mistake, this is not something a pleaser can paste on from a manipulative place in order to make others like you or in order to gain power. (That is the hidden motive of a complex like the Manipulator or the Great Mother – see my last blog Inner Community Rather it is an authentic, loving sight that stems from the core place of the one who sees.
For a more in-depth appreciation of the Quest for the Holy Grail and Parsifal’s journey:
Watch a clip with Wagner’s music from Parsifal:
This is a good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere.
Simple but very precise information… Many thanks for sharing this one.
A must read post!
Thank you for visiting!